My Journey to Eliminate Debt

Time, Sex and Money. What do these three things have in common? These were the biggest obstacles to martial satisfaction reported by couples in the early years together. Here is the list of problems reported in order:

• balancing job and family
• frequency of sexual relations
• debt brought into marriage
• husband's employment
• overall financial situation
• expectations about household tasks
• constant bickering
• communication with spouse
• parents or in-laws
• time spent together with spouse (2001 Creighton University Centre Marriage and Family

Any of these sound familiar?

By the time a couple goes to relationship counselling they have been aware of problems in the relationship for 7 years on average! That's a long time to be miserable.There are some very important points to note about relationship satisfaction and fighting.

It is not the 'problems' that people have that cause dissatisfaction in the relationship. It is how they choose to manage them as a couple.

Several features common to couples having problems jump out at me when I read that list. Here's a few questions to think over if you want to improve your relationship and stop fighting about money.

• How do you communicate about Time, Sex and Money with your partner?


• Do you talk about it, fight about it or just expect your partner to be able to 'know' what you want?


• More importantly can you really listen to your partner? Without interupting, without preparing a defence in your head while they are talking?


• Can you accept that your partner may see and do things differently?


• Do you always have to be 'right'?
  

Values.

• What are your values in relation to Time, Sex and Money?


• Are you assuming your partners values are the same as yours?


• Have your values changed over time?


• Does your partner know what values are most important to you ?


• Are you living in harmony with your values right now?
  

Expectations.

• What are your expectations of yourself in regard to Time, Sex and Money in this relationship?


• What expectations do you have of your partner?


• Are these expectations realistic for this relationship and your circumstances in 2007?


• Where did these expectations come from?
  

Compromise

• What are you willing to compromise on (whether your partner does or not) to start moving towards a more harmonious relationship?


• What are your 'non-negotiable's when it comes to Time Sex and Money?


• Do you compromise, or do you demand that your partner compromise?


• Do you see compromise as a successful outcome or do you see it as a defeat?

If you seriously want to start making some changes in the way you and your partner handle money take the time to get out a pen and paper and work through all these questions.

I find that people want a 'quick fix' for their problems and even better if someone else will do the hard work for them. Like those couples that go to relationship counselling (after seven years of misery) and them blame the counselor for not 'fixing' them in 1-2 hours!

Nobody else can change your habits but you.

Taking a half hour to write down your answers will help you understand your self better. Isn't your relationship worth half and hour?

Focus on yourself, not your partner when you answer the questions. You can't change your partner so don't answer these questions for them. Just do it for yourself.

Then go back and do the series on How to Eliminate Debt? Where do I start? if you haven't already. Managing finances and reducing debt is about more than dollars and cents. Emotional money management is a key factor in changing our old habits.